Tag Archives: Smooth contest

The one with the contest to see who is smoother

Clair comes home from work and shopping for shoes to find Cliff on the couch watching TV, totally disinterested in what she has to say. Totally not a big deal because how often is Cliff ever interested in anything except high school track scores and making sandwiches anyway? Answer: never. So, Clair goes on to tell Cliff that she has made dinner reservations at the Golden Dove (golden=fancy) to celebrate the anniversary of their engagement. Cliff has no idea what she is talking about because apparently they have been dating since junior high and he has asked her to marry him about 19 times in the past 40 years like way back when Cliff was simultaneously trying to date lowdown, good-for-nothing tramps that Clair has given him a talking to about in the kitchen once before. Cliff continues to feign interest until Clair hides the remote control in her purse and decides they will have a contest to see who will be smoother on their date. Clair asserts that she will be the smoothest lady and that everyone will want to look at her and her lamé pantsuit and enormous clip-on earrings. Cliff then maintains that he will be so smooth the restaurant will seat him by himself with a spotlight shining on his smoothness. They decide the children will determine who looks the smoothest for their date because of course this is always a good idea to have to join the children in any sort of a consensus, especially considering they will have to listen to Vanessa’s ridiculous opinions all night long. Clair dashes upstairs to try on her new shoes and probably cry about how she hates having to work at that tiny writing desk by the front door when she is a lawyer, dammit, and she has important work to do. Cliff busts in the room to look for his remote control when he catches Clair about to try on her new pair of shoes (her secret weapon of smoothness). Clair gets up all angry and immediately stubs her toe on some furniture. She continues to be a totally vain pain in the ass for the duration of the show, going on about not wanting to go to the emergency room to have it looked at and then, after she does eventually go, she doesn’t want to suffer the indignity of using a cane or wearing a cast. Cliff gets his father to tell her some elaborate lie about some cane from Africa that his father used and Clair falls for it even though he secretly bought it at some discount African cane store downtown. And so the evening finally comes and Cliff goes downstairs first to show off his smooth attire to his kids which includes a lot of showcasing of suspenders, also totally not a big deal because Cliff wears suspenders with a t-shirt tucked into sweatpants like everyday. Cliff thinks he will win the contest because Clair will have to use that stupid knock-off African cane and also she does not have suspenders. Then Clair descends the stairs and she is indeed dressed in a shiny (shiny=fancy) pantsuit with tapered legs that also inexplicably has a wrap-skirt attached to it. Her busted toe looks even worse now that she has come up with the intelligent solution of placing a giant brown paper bag over her entire foot and tying a purple ribbon around her ankle to hold it in place. But the kids applaud loudest for Clair anyway and tell her she is the smoothest and give her a wrist corsage as a prize because clearly they hate Cliff and were never going to give him the smoothest award in the first place. And Cliff dies a little inside, knowing he will have to continue to feign interest in Clair, Theo, Rudy and the other ones for at least a few seasons more.

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