(Theo and Cliff chatting after Theo gets a D)

Theo: You’re a doctor and Mom’s a lawyer, and you’re both successful in everything and that’s great. But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren’t a doctor, I wouldn’t love you less, because you’re my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I’m not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I’m your son.

Cliff: Theo. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. No wonder you’re getting D’s in everything. Now you’re afraid to try because you’re afraid that your brain is going to explode and it’s going to ooze out of your ears. Now you’re going to try because I said so. I am your father! I brought you in this world and I’ll take you out!

Vanessa: Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom, so the soap’s in Rudy’s eyes and she wouldn’t let me rinse out the shampoo like Mom said and now Rudy might be blinded for life! If she is, can we get a dog?

(Cliff and Clair talking about having more kids)

Clair: So you don’t want another one?

Cliff: There’s times that I don’t even want the ones we have.

Cliff: Is that what you are wearing to school, Rudy?
Rudy: Yes.
Cliff: Go in your room and change. You look like a fortune teller.

Clair: Getting up at 4:30 in the morning to prove myself to a group of men basking in the nonexistent ray of their own intelligence is not my idea of fun.

Theo: Why couldn’t they have had an essay question that said, “Write the story of Icarus”? I would have cleaned up on that.
Cliff: Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!

Cliff: You know, America is a great place but it doesn’t have a place where you can get rid of your kids.

Cliff: Your mother and I are rich. You have nothing.

Cliff: Your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Cliff:  No 14-year old boy may wear a 95 dollar jacket unless he’s on stage with his four brothers.

Cliff:  This is Dr. Huxtable!  I delivered some of you!  I am a parent and a taxpayer and I am probably the only adult who will sue little children!

Cliff: Vanessa’s residence. No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it is now 10:05, and she cannot take any calls past ten o’clock. No, I cannot take a message. I am her father. I am a doctor. I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.