Monthly Archives: August 2008

The one with Angela Bassett’s book club

Clair graciously invites Cliff to join a meeting of her all female book club since Cliff has his Huxtable Men’s Club where they don’t read books but just talk a lot about high school track scores and sandwich condiments. Obviously, Cliff never reads the book because it’s a woman’s novel with lots of imagery about pantyhose and maxipads so he grudgingly attends the book club meeting and just pretends that he read the novel. The women act very serious about their book club and pat each other on the shoulder a lot and say, “Oh, girl, you know you liked that part the best!” Cliff rolls his eyes every 20 seconds or so. Angela Bassett is in the book club and asks Cliff how he felt when Harrison Washington cheated on Miss Sugarpie Jones while he pretended to support her women’s suffrage movement in rural Kentucky. Cliff can’t answer the question so he tries to stall by making up some impromptu jazz vocals formed out of nonsense words but Angela is not distracted. She points her finger at Cliff and accuses him of not reading the book and then all the ladies start throwing tea sandwiches and potato salad at him while Clair gives him the death stare that means “No more satin pajamas for you and also, I’m painting the dining room a terrible shade of greenish-blue.” Cliff gladly leaves but not before pouring fruit punch all over the remainder of the tea sandwiches. He goes upstairs to find Theo staring in the mirror and talking to himself about how good looking and popular he is. Cliff asks Theo if he can hang out with him and Theo decides that now would be a good time to impress Cliff by asking if he wants to play chess with him on his computer. Not that Theo knows how to play chess, but he thinks that saying the word chess will distract Cliff from asking him about how he did on his history test (obviously he got an F). The computer game breaks within the first few moves because Cliff clearly knows how to play chess and Theo does not and is so frustrated that he keeps trying to ask the computer to play global thermonuclear war and there is a system overload. Cliff just shakes his head disappointedly at Theo and leaves him alone to comb his hair and do self-affirmations in the mirror.


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The one where Rudy is sick

Rudy gets sick and asks Cliff why she doesn’t feel good.  Cliff tells her it is because she is little and dumb cute and there is nothing she can do about it and he loves her so much and wishes she would stay this size forever because otherwise they will have to write in Denise’s Naval husband’s stage hog daughter into the show.  Rudy gets upset and walks around the house asking everyone if they think she is little and dumb.  They all agree.   Rudy asks her pet goldfish why it thinks she is sick and hears it confirm (through Cliff’s voiceover in her head) that she is, in fact, sick because she is little and dumb cute.  Then the camera does a close-up of Rudy’s surprised face with her eyes open wide and her mouth in a giant “O” shape.  Rudy finds Cliff sneaking a sandwich in the kitchen and starts crying because she really doesn’t feel good.  Cliff ignores her because he is too busy making nonsense words with his mouth to the tune of an unidentifiable jazz song while he finishes making a sandwich.  Cliff tells Rudy to talk to her germs and tell them to straighten up and start studying in school and drinking milk and he gives her an extra hug because he knows that after next season she will have have her adult front teeth and thus be not as cute.  Rudy lifts up her shirt and starts talking to her germs and telling them what’s what.  At this point, Cliff is devouring his sandwich and licking his fingers and doing head bops and making more weird mouth noises.  He doesn’t notice when Rudy grabs his tall glass of milk and chugs the entire thing, no doubt taking Cliff’s advice about making her germs drink milk.  Then Rudy abruptly vomits all over the floor and starts crying.  In the midst of all the kitchen activity, Clair has come home from work and hears the commotion in the kitchen.  She busts through the door to find Cliff mid-finger lick and Rudy sobbing uncontrollably.  Rudy is sobbing because she vomited and Cliff is sobbing because he can’t handle what the future brings for Rudy in the coming years.  Clair shoots Cliff a dirty look and tells Rudy to “Come here, baby and we’ll take you upstairs.”  The show closes with Cliff and Clair in bed and about to do it when Rudy busts in and vomits on their bedroom floor. Then everyone starts sobbing uncontrollably.

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The one where Vanessa wants to be a drum major

This is the one where Vanessa wants be the first girl drum major at her school.  She practices all day, marching around the living room and down the stairs and she’s terrible.  Clair tells Vanessa to her face that she’s real proud of her and then can be seen alone in the kitchen making a bunch of food she’ll later tell Cliff he can’t eat because the doctor told him not to and making big eye rolls about how bad Vanessa is doing because she can hear her crashing into the furniture.  Denise comes home from trying on hats at the mall to find Vanessa still marching around the living room and gives her some advice: don’t audition for drum major or you’ll lose all your friends.  Cliff comes home and makes Vanessa sit down on the couch while he walks around with an unlit cigar in his mouth making jokes about women’s lib and Vanessa’s bad grades in school.  In the end, Vanessa goes to school and forgets to try out for drum major because she is too busy gossiping at her locker.  When she gets home, her mom waves her finger at her and gives her a stern lecture about following through with your goals but secretly everyone is happy because they know she would be an even bigger pain in the ass if she actually became the drum major.  In the final scene, Cliff and Clair are in their bedroom and ready to do it in their silk pajamas when Vanessa busts in and asks if she can sleep with her giant drum major baton in her bed.

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Filed under Vanessa's Goals