“…like the Saved by the Bell theme song in knitted form.” ~ courtesy of New York Magazine

The one where Denise picks a college and gets fired in the same day

It is a typical work day for Clair and she is spending it sitting in the living room, wearing a long blazer with enormously official looking shoulder pads over a contrasting colored blouse, reading her one law book and scribbling on a legal pad.  Meanwhile, Cliff comes upstairs to visit Clair, typically neglecting the gynecological needs of his basement patients to slow dance in his doctor coat with Clair to some old blues song about people always wanting to do it except their kids always walk in and ruin it.   This leads to a wager between Cliff and Clair regarding the correct recording date of said song with the loser having to do a bunch of ridiculous stuff involving food and car washing.  Denise enters the room during the wager and declares Clair the winner blah blah Cliff is angry and Denise gets an acceptance letter from Berkeley, which is odd, because she’s home during a school day like a high school drop-out.  She declares she is choosing between NYU, Hillman, Univ. of North Dakota and Univ. of Hawaii and will be letting the family know her decision at dinner.  The rest of the kids get home from school to talk about Denise’s decision and even Sondra is there since she doesn’t want to miss the moment at dinner when Cliff tells Denise he is kicking her off the show for lewd public behavior like starring in that movie Angel Heart with Mickey Rourke and having sex for the world to see.  Rudy is the only one who seems genuinely sad about Denise going to college, while Vanessa won’t shut up about wanting Denise’s room.  Cliff’s parents come over for dinner and everyone sits down in the dining room to await Denise’s announcement that she is going to Hillman.  Everyone toasts her and Cliff and Clair read some emotional b.s. that says: The difference between you now and you then is that you then were priceless and helpless.  You now are still beyond price but we are letting you go slowly but certainly.  And we feel you slipping from our hands as we remember you then and pray for you now.  We are forever your mother and your father.  Which losely translates to: You’re fired for being combative and naked on the big screen. Good luck with all that.  Aaand, scene.

Cosby Aerobics

Do not view this if you have epilepsy.

Okay, this one is courtesy of Videogum:

Somehow, it almost makes the weird orchestral-Caribbean credits opener from Season 5 seem appropriate (which, by the way, features Vanessa’s hair at its most angular).

Wikipedia’s best episode descriptions

Wikipedia has further proven that the Huxtables are completely transparent to at least one other person besides myself.  Everyone hates Elvin.  Cliff hate kids. Rudy wants to stab Raven Simone. Vanessa is the worst and the sooner she is out of the house the better.

I submit as evidence the following episode descriptions not submitted by me to Wikipedia:

Play It Again, Vanessa- Vanessa plays clarinet in the school’s orchestra. She plays an embarrassing solo at the school concert, but her parents support her anyway (because she is blackmailing them).

How Ugly Is He?-  Denise has a new boyfriend, David, but is reluctant to bring him home. She fears that Cliff will, like always, make fun of the boy and ruin her chances with him.

Father’s Day-  Cliff complains about the poor quality of his annual Father’s Day gifts. He challenges the children to find some better presents for a December Father’s Day (or he will send them to the salt mines).

Adventures in Babysitting- Rudy begs Martin to let her babysit Olivia (so she can strangle her with a jumprope).

First Day of School- Cliff and Clair are overjoyed with the arrivial of the new school year, as their children are finally out of the house (and they can do it all day long).

Cliff in Love- Sondra breaks up with her boyfriend Elvin and is depressed, taking it out on the family. Cliff and Clair aren’t exactly unhappy; they find Elvin rather annoying (what else is new).

Cliff gets Jilted- Vanessa and Dabnis announce that they have broken their engagement . . . and would-be father-in-law Cliff is devastated (because Vanessa is going to live at home forever).

Man Talk- Although he has a steady girlfriend, Theo wants to start dating someone else (Cockroach).

The one about lying or tardiness or something about Circus Burger

I am distracted in writing the synopsis for this particular episode because I am currently viewing another episode where Cliff has apparently tucked his sweater into his slacks and has bloused it out and now I can’t concentrate. 

In any case, back to the episode titled “Theogate: The family sets up a mock court to try Theo for tardiness” which is really about lying or track meets or making fun of Circus Burger employees or whatever PICK A TOPIC, WILLIAM H. COSBY, ED. D.

OMG, now Theo is dressed like Count Blacula with a soul glow wig.  This has to be the most distracting episode of all time and its description is merely “Cliff searches for a drill he borrowed.”

SO, back to another quality episode featuring family role playing in order to humiliate a child into correcting negative behaviors by engaging those he/she trusts and loves most in life into shaming him/her. 

The episode begins with learning Vanessa is in the school production of South Pacific which is so terrible that it only has a one-night run; therefore, it is imperative that the entire family get there immediately and on time to get the best seats for throwing tomatoes during Vanessa’s key scene. Inexplicably, Bud and Peter are also being dragged to this nightmare production.  The family is trying to dash out the door and are delayed because they are waiting on Theo who finally comes running in with Cockroach in tow, something something about still needing to grab food from the kitchen because they didn’t get enough Circus Burger to eat after the track meet something something Clair is super pissed about Theo being late something something Theo just ran out of the kitchen with two rotisserie chickens.

WHAT IS GOING ON NOW. Peter has come into the kitchen wearing a red button down shirt over an orange button down shirt over a plaid flannel shirt with all the sleeves  rolled up.  Strangely, he looks like Clair.

You know, you’d think Theo would’ve made a point about bringing Cockroach on time to hear his favorite show tune lyrics- I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair.  Anyway, the family gets home post-performance and Vanessa is bitching because everyone got there late and missed her one scene and Cliff and Clair are all pissed that they skipped Theo’s track meet to see Vanessa and didn’t even get to throw tomatoes at her so that was an evening totally wasted.  Clair keeps thinking that something is up with Theo’s tardiness and that he’s telling her half truths and Cliff is all, seriously, why don’t you go sit at your tiny writing desk by the front door and pretend to do lawyer stuff with that pencil and the only legal book you own. 

The next day progresses and the principal calls the house for Theo and Clair is now angry about Theo’s supposed lying or maybe she’s still pissed about his tardiness, who knows, Bill has introduced too many story lines to keep track. What I do know is that never have I seen an episode featuring any of Clair’s clients so I guess she has plenty of time to investigate her own children and design a mock court to shame them into learning life lessons.  We come to understand that Theo is clearly lying about Circus Burger and why he didn’t, in fact, get to eat after the track meet, and then there is some other business about

HOLY SHIT THIS OTHER EPISODE FEATURES BOTH SINBAD AND GILBERT GOTTFRIED IN THE SAME SCENE?

him making up some story about his track coach’s marriage being on the rocks and, whatever, he’s totally going to keep lying to Clair to mask the truth that he was masturbating in the Circus Burger bathroom to the vision of Cockroach in a running singlet and that was the real reason he didn’t get to eat.

Cut to the mock court with Cliff as bailiff, Vanessa as judge, and Rudy, Peter and Bud in the jury, Clair as prosecution and Cockroach as defense.   So, the charges run from tardiness to lying about being tardy to lying about the track coach to Cliff not previously revealing to Clair that he told Theo he’d buy him a car if he ran track to Theo admitting he and Cockroach made fun of a Circus Burger employee until she cried, END CASE, Cliff hates being a bailiff, Clair spent 8 hours prepping for this family trial with her pencil and legal book, Theo is promising to apologize to the Circus Burger girl and everyone forgot this episode was supposed to be about tardiness or more importantly the rumor Theo started about his track coach’s failing marriage.

The one with hoagies and the HMC

Claire is off at Hillman, probably giving some lecture on the direct correlation between the expensiveness of clip-on earrings and increased perceptions of intelligence and power by your peers.  Meanwhile, Cliff has decided to dump Rudy off on his parents for a slumber party where they decide the best way to spend the evening is to dress her in 1940’s evening wear and teach her outdated jive lingo.  Denise invites Vanessa to go hang in the Village with her and her NYU friends but insists they have to ‘dress funky’ to fit in which in 1985 apparently translates loosely into dressing like androgynous Depression-era newsies.  Theo is again masquerading as a heterosexual by naming to Cliff the 15 girls he has had crushes on.  Cliff decides to initiate an evening of the Huxtable Men’s Club (HMC) which entails eating hoagies and watching westerns on TV.  Cliff runs out to buy some hoagies and Theo immediately puts on one of Claire’s nightgowns to settle down in front of the TV.  Some girls from school come over to hang out with Theo and talk about Whitney Houston and moisturizer,  Cliff comes home and gives Theo some money to take the girls out for hoagies so he can have both his and Theo’s sandwiches to himself, Theo is real sad about having to put on pants, and then Cliff gets a call to deliver a baby which will undoubtedly smell like salami and spicy mustard.

The one where Theo gets his ear pierced

Theo skips school to hang out at a downtown gay bar, gets wasted and decides to booty call his best friend Cockroach. Cockroach, entirely oblivious to Theo’s emotional anguish at his unrequited love, redirects Theo’s heartache to his 7 year old sister, Trixie, who is giving ear piercings in his garage for 99 cents. Believing a homemade ear piercing will impress Cockroach, Theo submits his right ear lobe (the gay lobe) for piercing. As Trixie is only 7, with a severe case of hyperopia and poor fine motor skills, it takes her 27 tries to pierce Theo’s ear. With each stabbing of an old sewing needle into his gay lobe, Theo imagines that it is his heart, pierced with the sufferings of a thousand nights he has cried himself silently to sleep because he will never feel Cockroach’s hot breath creeping down his shirt collar. And because Theo is stupid enough to submit his body to the control of a 7 year old with a rusty needle, his ear predictably gets infected and Cliff has to operate. And then some business happens where Cliff’s father tells everyone about how Cliff tried to impress Claire by attempting to straighten his hair with a homemade concoction of pencil shavings, grape jelly and nitroglycerine and burned all his hair off. And then Cliff’s mom tells everyone how Cliff’s father tried to have her name tattooed on his chest to impress her but had the name of her rival tattooed accidentally instead. And then everyone laughs and eats some chips.

The one where Theo is a poor student

There are, like, eight of these episodes because Theo consistently hates to study, gets peer pressured by his best friend Cockroach to take shortcuts (Janet:Vanessa::Cockroach:Theo) and is just generally less intelligent than the rest of the Huxtable kids. Which is weird because he’s the only Huxtable kid who is constantly carrying around a notebook and school books.

Cosby Time Request Hall of Fame Nominee

“Can you tell me more about one of the shows where Vanessa’s hair looks like the Rock of Gibraltar?”

The one where Vanessa gets drunk

Vanessa has friends even shittier than Janet. Like Angela, for instance, who thinks it’s a great idea to play The Alphabet Game with a bottle of bourbon. Vanessa and her friends get super wasted and it’s a good thing no boys are around or there’d probably be a very special chlamydia episode. Denise picks Vanessa up and tries to sneak her into the house, but Cliff and Clair find out about Vanessa’s drunkeness when Angela’s mom calls to apologize for her daughter having the drinking habits of a middle-aged man who wears an ascot and breeds horses. Vanessa vomits all over her bed and when Cliff and Clair come in to check on her they yell at her for a moment before leaving her passed out face-down on the bed, clearly not caring if her air passage is blocked because hey, nobody has high expectations for her anyway. Vanessa gets home from school the next day, still hungover and miserable, and true to form Cliff and Clair decide it’s a perfect time to sit her down and teach her a lesson using an elaborate scheme involving various family members playing character roles. This time, the scheme involves Cliff, Clair, Rudy and Vanessa all playing The Alphabet Game together in the living room with a bottle of bourbon. Vanessa holds Cliff in such low regard as to actually believe that he would make young Rudy take bourbon shots that she falls for the scheme until the very end when she realizes the bourbon is just tea and everyone has been laughing at her expense the whole time. Which only cements her feelings of insecurity and commitment to drinking herself into oblivion in her closet each morning before school from here on out.

If you are blind and cold:

The one where Vanessa plays the clarinet

Clair comes home from work and Cliff makes fun of her for losing yet another legal case which maybe wouldn’t happen if she had a computer and more than the one law book she is always carrying around. Vanessa enters the living room eating a candy bar so of course Clair freaks out because she hates nothing more than leaving control of the children’s dietary restrictions to Cliff during the workday. Except maybe untapered pants. Vanessa explains that Cliff has bribed her with candy if she will practice her clarinet. Cliff and Clair discuss how much they have invested in their children’s hobbies over the years and Cliff learns Vanessa’s clarinet costs $245, an obvious mistake because there should be no investment more than $5 where Vanessa is concerned. The family overhears Vanessa playing (it is horrible) and Cliff goes up to have a chat with Vanessa. Vanessa explains that Janet (who continues to be a shitty friend) quit playing the clarinet and so she no longer wants to play either. Cliff commands Vanessa to practice anyway because she has a commitment to perform at a recital and then she can discuss quitting to spend all her freetime spying on people and prank calling boys who will never find her attractive. Later that evening, Cliff and Clair have a long discussion about jogging together which allows ample time for Cliff to prance around the room in his pajamas demonstrating his superior jogging form compared to Clair’s form which apparently resembles a gay man running away from a building on fire with kleenex tucked into the front of his pants. The next day, Rudy is for some reason dressed like a young man in a sweater vest and bowtie and greets Vanessa’s clarinet teacher, Dizzy Gillespie, who comes over to the house to give her extra help. The family goes to her recital and it is terrible and everyone wants to leave except Clair because she didn’t wear her velcro-shoulder pads for nothing.

The one with all the g-damn tapdancing

This episode is terrible because it has both Olivia (VOMIT) and Rudy with her adult teeth (DISGUSTING). Oddly, the only good part is watching Cliff have a tapdanceoff with some old man that is some famous old Vaudevillian tapdancer except he is distracting because he appears to have no teeth and only screams one phrase at the top of his lungs “CHALLLUNGE!”

The one where Cliff and his dad babysit the kids

Clair receives a letter in the mail from Hillman College requesting that she be on the committee to honor some dean that is retiring after 53 years. Cliff is obviously peeved that he did not receive a letter requesting his participation because after all, he doesn’t even think Clair worthy of having an adult-sized workspace in the house. Clair tells Cliff the college probably didn’t send him a letter because they didn’t want him to upstage the dean. And after lying to him thusly, she laughs at Cliff behind his back, knowing that sitting on this committee will buy her at least a week away from Cliff and the kids and probably a new blazer with enormous shoulderpads. Cliff invites his father to stay with him and help watch the kids and his dad shows up with a sack of old person stuff like oatmeal he claims the Vikings ate and some cookies. Vanessa and Rudy get home from school to see their grandpa with his sack of old person stuff and beg for a cookie until Cliff says they can each have one. Clair calls up in the middle of all the excitement over being allowed to eat one cookie and Cliff gets in trouble for not asking for her long distance dietary permission. Some girls at school nominate Theo “Stallion of the Month” so he starts getting prank phone calls at home. Theo acts excited about the attention in front of his dad and Grandpa while knowing deep down all the accolades and professions of love are meaningless to him unless they come from the sweet, delicious lips of his best friend Cockroach. Cliff is distracted and tired the whole week because he has to deliver two babies, god forbid he has to do anything other than make mouth noises and sneak sandwiches all day. So his dad picks up the slack by answering the phone and walking around the house aimlessly peering into kitchen cabinets. The episode ends with Cliff getting another call to deliver a baby and asking his dad to retell his favorite childhood bedtime story that he overheard him telling Rudy. And because Cliff is not only a terrible father but a terrible doctor, he delays his drive to the hospital so he can hear his dad tell some stupid nonsense about a bear named Hugo and a wolf named Hans.